Panic Disorder

I don’t think many people understand how debilitating an anxiety disorder can be. Sure, everyone gets anxious from time to time. Its natural. Healthy even.

Panic disorder can be a whole other monster. Most days I don’t notice it; its just this little sedated ball that hides in my purse wherever I go.

Some times it wakes up. Its like feeling this little scratch at your ankle and it slowly spreading and going deeper in your skin at the same time. It starts off for me with signs that I don’t even notice until its too late. My appetite drops. I’m more tired during the day and less tired at night.


Then I get this feeling something bad is going to happen. It will nudge at me all day, all week even. Sometimes nothing bad happens to me, sometimes my brother’s truck breaks down. Sometimes Willow gets sick or SB pulls something.

This past week this cycle started. Sometimes I swear its my instincts trying to warn me, like my subconscious is noticing red flags that I’m not seeing.

The biggest problem is that I can’t make myself step back from the issue (made up in my head or not) to figure it out. If I think someone is ignoring me then I will sway from letting them have their space to demanding to know what is going on. I get upset because I feel like someone is mad or doesn’t like me and won’t tell me. ( I don’t even know how often its true. )

Having this makes me feel weak. Its not how I feel all the time, most days I work towards being calm and collected and having healthy boundaries. When Panic sets in I loose myself in it. I get embarrassed after, to the point of wanting to shut down.

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this time of year.

We are approaching the end of this summer, and I feel my anxieties running wild.

Ever since I can remember, fall has made me anxious. I remember sitting in my mother’s lap in grade school, the night before the first day of the school year. I remember the tightness in my chest and feeling like I was drowning. I would sit there crying, not even understanding why, while my mom did the best she could to try and comfort me. Probably as confused about my crying as I was.

Now that feeling is back. I have added bills, apparently the roof needs to be replaced on my house or my homeowner’s insurance is going to be cancelled. I’m barely scraping by paying my monthly bills. Everything should be okay after a few months, the first three electric bills has an extra $100 for the deposit, and I’m still trying to adjust and configure my personal budget.

On top of there is school which is coming up at the end of the month.

and last, but not least (probably biggest of all), LB is going on vacation with her dad this week. This will be the longest we’ve ever been away from each other. They are going camping. I hope that whoever they are going with is responsible. I don’t know who they’re going with, and I didn’t ask because he’s going to make it like I’m being jealous or something. I also think he has been teaching her how to keep secrets, which scares me. My dad did that with us. Making us believe our mother would get our father in trouble for this or that. What I realized later is that she wouldn’t be the one getting him in trouble, it would be himself for doing what he was doing. I keep reassuring her that she can always tell me something, no matter what it is.

I just want her safe.

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All Moved In, and a Magical Eraser Incident

I have not posted in a while, Its been hectic!

We are finally moved in to our little home! LB and I have also adopted a kitten and a grown dog into our family, and its a house full of girls. 🙂

Since moving we have been getting into our own routines, which are ever changing with someone who LB’s age. We haven’t had much strife from her dad, she is still going to his house every other weekend and one night during the week. It hasn’t been exactly smooth either.

There was a situation about a month and a half ago. She had kept this sticker on her leg for 2 days (she wouldn’t let me take it off and I figured it come off on its own…my bad there.). When I was finally able to get it off there was a sticky square of residue left behind, like the ones left on cups when you take a price tag off. It was a Friday morning and we were running late for school and work, of course. I tried to scrub it off quickly but didn’t see it coming off easily so I left it.

She went to her dads that night. Two days later I was talking to them on the phone on Sunday morning while she was in the bath tub at his house. He said he couldn’t get it off either, so I told him to ask the neighbor who has kids or to just leave it and I’ll get it off when I got her later.

He called me about 20 minutes later.

SB: ” So I got that stuff off her leg.”

Me: “That’s good, whatd you end up using?”

SB: “One of those Mr Clean Magic Erasers!”

I could have literally smacked him over the phone. I asked if that gave her burns and he said no she was fine, a little red but that’s it.

I get her home later, and her leg is all scabby and chemical burned. Really?


after I cleaned it up some

The sad part is, this isn’t him being intentionally mean. He was just being unintentionally stupid.

She wouldn’t even let me near her leg to look at it. She told me not to, and made a scrubbing motion with her hand. She was afraid I was going to scrub her leg like he did again. It ended up being scabbed and pretty nasty looking for a week and a half.. I was tempted to call social services, but I know he would have played the “I didn’t know any better, I’m just a dad doing his best” card. The thing is, that probably was his best. But that best is not good enough.

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Am I Me?

I am finding myself dragging on the path to self-discovery. Like I stumbled over some gravel that should’ve been easy enough to walk over.

As a human we make mistakes. Tons. I see good friends, good people, make mistakes and think “they’ll get through it, they’re deserving of happiness.” So why, when I make a mistake, I can’t think the same for myself?

I’ve learned about not having expectations of others. But what about yourself? Is it self harming to have too much of an expectation on one’s self? I guess it is. I find myself making mistakes a lot right now. With patience mostly. Patience in everything. I am in such a rush to find myself that I am losing myself more. Is it possible to push one’s self away?

I haven’t felt depressed like this in a long time. Since high school. Its not a dangerous depression…its not a suicidal depression. I can’t find confidence in myself right now.  I’m still stuck in finding the faults in myself.

I am done with this semester of school. I didn’t get great grades but I didn’t fail any classes, so I should be thankful for that. The house has closed yet because repairs need to be done by the sellers, I should be thankful that I’m not footing the bill to the repairs. Child support hasn’t come in yet. I’ve missed work because LB has been sick or her school has been closed. I had to pay a couple hundred dollars that I don’t really have just so the doctor would see her the other day, then miss work the next day to stay home and tend to her. I am at least thankful for the extra time with her.

While sitting in the doctors office, I had to call SB to tell him the cost of the bill because he is required to pay for part of it. When he heard the figure, his phone magically disconnected. he didn’t call me back until over an hour later and called me an ass because I was adamant that he understand that part of the bill I paid was his and he needed to reimburse me.  I’m sure to those who haven’t dealt with an alcoholic would think that as wrong, with my sick child in the dr office with me and I’m worried about SB paying me back. But I know if I don’t push the issue quickly, I’ll never see that money, and that’s money LB and I need.

I have also been trying to put myself “out there” and find myself being rejected. Partly its because I’m putting myself out there in situations that aren’t promising. And I know deep down that I probably need to wait a little longer, I need to know myself better.

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Breathing Underwater

While driving this morning, I was trying to put into words how I feel right now. Things are moving forward but at this point in time I can’t see the results. When I start to feel this way I mentally shut down. I feel it happening, and I don’t know how to stop it. I think it is my brain’s way of trying to block things out. That may sound strange…I can’t really describe it well. Its the same as when I was an adolescent. I can’t remember a lot of my growing up because I mentally blocked it out. I know somewhere I have memories, but I can’t find the key to unlock them.

Like I’m trying to breath underwater.

Is it survival mode? Not wasting energy on things that don’t seem to matter at the time? Is it my depression or anxiety kicking in? I don’t know. I don’t know who to ask. I don’t know who to talk to work it out. I guess a counselor would be ideal. God perhaps. I don’t have feelings of suicide or anything like that. I just want to sit and be still. I don’t have the want to do anything.

I can’t though. I am a mom. I am an employee. I am a student. The only thing that keeps me in motion is making sure LB is happy, healthy, safe.

I just needed to put this down somewhere.

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First day of Spring, and clouds are giving the sky a claustrophobic feel.

I feel as if I can relate. This new beginning is the spring of my life, a chance to throw out the old and tiredness, and bring in the light and flowers.

At what moment does the old and tired feeling go away? So I’ve escaped the (most current anyway) alcoholic in my life. That’s just the beginning, isn’t it? The road to my own recovery is probably a lifetime long, similar to that of an addict.

It is probably still too soon to try and have a deep, meaningful relationship with someone, but I’m starting to doubt that I will ever trust anyone enough to have one. Ever.

I’ve fooled myself the past few months into thinking I can easily trust someone else, and myself. But the truth is that I don’t trust myself, not when it comes to picking someone to have feelings for. I don’t know who is genuine and who is not, not all the time. And usually, not until it is too late. With LB in the mix, I can’t take the risk. I will never risk her happiness to potentially find my own.

So I’m refocusing. I’m going to put my trust with God. I’m going to do the things I know need to be done, and everything else is going to be in God’s hands. I’m going to focus on LB, work, school, and buying a house for she and I.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. -Proverbs 3:5

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No Longer Looking The Other Way

Today is St. Patrick’s Day, a day that is always a good reason to get together with friends, and in many people’s cases, to get wasted.

I’m not going to say I never have. In fact, this day was one of the days that SB and I would take for us to go out with friends; have an adult day. If I wanted to do anything with him that felt even close to bonding, drinking would be involved and I would make myself believe this was okay.

Sitting here at my desk this morning I realized “oh shit. he picks up LB today.”

I had to suck up my pride and call the day care and make a request that may seem insane to those who have not been in this situation. Yes, SB has seemed sober since we’ve split up. Seemed. But knowing him, he likes to use special occasions as an excuse to really go all out.

My request to the daycare? “Hi, this is LB’s mom. I have a strange favor to ask. Today is one of those days where people drink a lot. Can you just make sure that her dad is okay to pick her up this afternoon? Don’t make it obvious, just, you know, check him out.”

At this point in my life I no longer care if I seem crazy by asking this sort of thing. I am more concerned for her safety than being the good guy.

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