I don’t think many people understand how debilitating an anxiety disorder can be. Sure, everyone gets anxious from time to time. Its natural. Healthy even.
Panic disorder can be a whole other monster. Most days I don’t notice it; its just this little sedated ball that hides in my purse wherever I go.
Some times it wakes up. Its like feeling this little scratch at your ankle and it slowly spreading and going deeper in your skin at the same time. It starts off for me with signs that I don’t even notice until its too late. My appetite drops. I’m more tired during the day and less tired at night.
Then I get this feeling something bad is going to happen. It will nudge at me all day, all week even. Sometimes nothing bad happens to me, sometimes my brother’s truck breaks down. Sometimes Willow gets sick or SB pulls something.
This past week this cycle started. Sometimes I swear its my instincts trying to warn me, like my subconscious is noticing red flags that I’m not seeing.
The biggest problem is that I can’t make myself step back from the issue (made up in my head or not) to figure it out. If I think someone is ignoring me then I will sway from letting them have their space to demanding to know what is going on. I get upset because I feel like someone is mad or doesn’t like me and won’t tell me. ( I don’t even know how often its true. )
Having this makes me feel weak. Its not how I feel all the time, most days I work towards being calm and collected and having healthy boundaries. When Panic sets in I loose myself in it. I get embarrassed after, to the point of wanting to shut down.